Ohhh Kentuckeeee… Part 1

To the Powers That Be, Probably in Frankfort,

To paraphrase a character in “Kentucky Fried Movie, “we mean no harm to your Commonwealth.”

Presumably, based upon recent experiences here, someone in your Technology Department has taken measures to insure that no foreign born viruses enter into and corrupt your server. Various folks here have made numerous, benign attempts to reach some folks who work for the Commonwealth using e-mail. To date, we have received no replies. Indeed, we are not at all sure the e-mails have gone through or that various former co-workers still do work for the Commonwealth. We cannot find out anything for one simple reason:

WE CANNOT EVEN CONNECT WITH KENTUCKY DIRECT.

Please be assured that we are not computer literate enough to create an insidious virus that would cause your entire computer network to crash, much less one that would tear apart the very fabric of your lives by invading toasters, coffee makers, microwave ovens, digital alarm clocks, cell phones, cable TV feeds, satellite relays, lawn mowers, and sport utility vehicles, or whatever popular urban legend holds may happen. We cannot get a dog to obey the simple command, “sit” without a bribe of a doggie treat. Commanding our computers to do anything more malicious than to send and receive chat messages and e-mail is quite beyond our technical expertise.

With our long distance calling cards you may make international, domestic phone calls anytime from work, from your cell phone and from your home. Thus you can use this service anywhere from any phone.